Killer Siberian Chipmunks rampage across Britain!

We’ve seen a long line of scare stories about Russia from the British press. But this latest is truly terrifying. Apparently, a horde of killer Siberian Chipmunks are rampaging across Britain, after escaping from a zoo four years ago. The Sun has the scoop:

killer siberian chipmunkVICIOUS killer chipmunks that escaped from a British park four years ago have never been found – and could now have bred into a horde thousands strong, The Sun can reveal.

The news will confirm experts’ worst fears that the disease-ridden rodents, which are plaguing northern France, have already established themselves in numbers here.

About 30 of the deadly critters went on the run from Wellington Country Park on the Hampshire/Berkshire border in 2005.

Eighteen died and eight more were found or shot – but disturbingly FOUR remained free.

This captured chipmunk is, as you can see, about to launch into a demonstration of the ninja skills he acquired in a secret KGB training camp, deep in the Siberian tundra.

Reports of chipmunk attacks are surfacing from around the country – one young mother who stepped outside into her back garden for a quick ciggie was forced to retreat to the safety of her kitchen after one unprovoked attack.

“Now I’m too scared to go in the garden and worried about the baby. I can’t even smoke because I don’t want to go out there.”

It’s not just British citizens that these foreign agents are after though – even the poor British domestic moggie is being terrified into wakefulness:

“The crazed critter dived through a hole in a fence and hurtled towards dozing Sage. The startled moggie sprang up and had to fend off the ten-inch long rodent in their garden battle.”

Luckily poor Sage survived to tell the tale, but others may not be so fortunate.

Especially if they come across one of the new breed of giant mutant Siberian chipmunks that have become so confident that they have started trying to infiltrate human sporting events. This Chipmunk tried to attack the crowd at an England vs Australia cricket game, but luckily our brave boys in blue (er, yellow) were alert to the threat.

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4 Responses

  1. Scrat says:

    I’m rolling on the floor. It is typical though isn’t it?

  2. Mari says:

    Does this look like something that can kill you?

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/36747988@N05/3511363910/

    Cmon people don’t be so stupid.

  3. Antonio Garcia says:

    I was attacked by one of these killer chipmunks were it went directly for my throat. I needed hundreds of stitches after the claws dug in to my neck i realized i thought to myself I’m going to die, the chipmunk has my throat. I remember falling to the ground after the chipmunk lunged to attack me. I remember reading people dieing after being killed by killer chipmunks but i thought to myself this could never happen to me. I almost bled to death on the side of the road. The doctors tell me i was lucky to have survived not many people get a second chance at living after being attacked by killer chipmunks

  4. Antonio Garcia says:

    This is a true story about how i almost died fighting killer chipmunks. I was walking on a regular road by myself when i was approached by a gang of killer chipmunks ,I kept walking but they seemed to have followed me, I said to them what do you guys want, They didn’t reply, I even told them i don’t have any money guys please i don’t want to fight guys. All of a sudden i remember one of the chipmunks grabbing my leg and i immediately fell to the ground, I think he was experienced in Chip-Fu or a type of martial art. One of the chipmunks held my leg while the other immediately lunged after my head and once he put his claws in to my head area i thought to myself I’m going to die, God please help me. I tried to get up but the other chipmunks tripped me and fell back to the ground. One of the chipmunks knocked me out and about 30 minutes later a group of good Samaritans called the police and took me to the hospital. They gave me a list of pictures so i could identify the correct chipmunks. The doctor told me that i was lucky to be alive after being almost killed by the killer chipmunks. They arrested one of them and they put chipmunk cuffs on to one of them and placed him in the back of the police car the others got away. My advice if your ever approached by a killer chipmunk call the police immediately.